Chapter 10: Six Months Post Op

It’s been a minute since I wrote a diary entry.

I guess life got caught up and I’ve been working again, so it’s been hard to sit down and think of what to say.

Some people say that time moves slower when you’re an adult. That you’re just going through the motions, so it slows down.

Clearly they never got cancer, because the last six months have been a blur of appointments and prescriptions and checkups and follow ups.

The six month post op has come and gone. The scans said everything is stable, which is great news! after this, it’s more ultrasounds in six months, MRIs six months after, repeating in that cycle for a few years, until the 5 year mark I guess. They told me that until I reach the 5 year point with no recurrence, I won’t be considered cancer free. So I suppose it’s 5 years of worrying, right?

The hormone blockers I’m on have made me a less patient person, but have also given me some perspective. That’s crazy, right?

They told me to expect mood swings and all the symptoms that come along with medical menopause. I definitely get some mild-medium hot flushes, which make it super uncomfortable if the heater is turned on. You’d think winter would be a great time for that, but you never get used to it.

The worst part is the fog. I had a terrible memory before, but now I forget things almost every sentence. It impacts my ability to speak fully, and I find myself distracted more often than not. I’m pushing myself now more than ever to keep working so that I can make enough income just to scrape by. But when you go to a checkup and pay $400 for an appointment and scan, things become a little tricky, even if you get a little of that back later.

Every 6 months I also have alternating visits with the medical and radiation oncologist. Each one brings more anxiety, naturally. The machines beeping away, sitting in a doctors waiting room or a hospital, the tap tapping of fingers on computer keys detailing every step. It’s kind of scary. But we get through it, every time.

I get asked a lot, how are you doing?

The answer is truthfully, okay. But also not okay, at the same time.

I find myself sitting alone sometimes, thinking about the past year, thinking about how it could have been different, what I could have done different.

There are times where I worry about the future. Especially when I’m just skating through the present, trying to make it to the next part of treatment, or the next day of work, or even just the next day.

To be honest though, doing things all the time just keeps me moving, makes me remember that life is worth it. I get to do so much creative stuff. It genuinely keeps me going.

A friend of mine was diagnosed with cancer as well. She was so scared, she messaged me as it was happening. It broke my heart. Our situations are different, but she has to go through so much as well. I hope that things happen quickly for her, and she can be healthy again soon.

There is so much going on. Between appointments, work, stream, conventions, life in general, medication, it feels like my mind is constantly racing. I’m tired, but I want more.

I’ll keep moving forward, because life doesn’t just stop.

I continue to be supported by my community, by my friends, by my husband, my family, everyone in my life. I only wish I could repay it. I had intended to use any leftover from the medical fund to donate to cancer research, but it got swallowed up quickly with expenses.

Maybe I’ll do a fundraiser flash? Who knows. Until things truly start to settle, I’ll keep skating along. It’ll get there.

I don’t know when the next update will be. I’ll keep talking about things, I’ll keep working through, but it might be a little while until I’m ready to keep facing the hard reality.

For now, though, know that I will be okay.

I am constantly reminded of a book from my childhood, We’re Going on a Bear Hunt.

“We can’t go over it

We can’t go under it

We’ll have to go through!”

And that’s just what I’ll keep doing. Going through.